Chapter 8: Adolescence

It was hard to fully capture what Sumu was feeling at that moment. It was as sweet as eating candy, yet his heartbeat raced uncontrollably. His mind told him to remain calm, but the dopamine flooding his body only made him all the more elated.

He remembered the first time he met her at his doorstep, recalled all the countless times their paths had crossed, both inside and outside the school, when neither of them noticed. Before meeting Kate, no one had ever explained to Sumu what it meant to like someone, but after encountering her, he began to vaguely understand.

Unfortunately, this was nothing more than unrequited love on Sumu’s part. He didn’t even have the courage to confess his feelings to Kate. In the blink of an eye, several years had passed. During that time, there had been many opportunities to speak with her. If only he had approached her and started a conversation, perhaps they would have become acquainted. Yet, his fear of gain and loss always kept him silent.

He was afraid she would look down on him, afraid of being rejected. There was a sense of inferiority in this first love that Sumu himself had never noticed. She was a beautiful, popular girl, while he was a Chinese boy whose only merit was his academic performance. He had no athletic talent, and his future showed little promise. He had never told anyone, but now he truly felt a bit inferior. His character was good, certainly, but he possessed too little to foster much confidence.

Li Ping’an discreetly gave Sumu a thumbs-up before stepping back to join the others. There was no use hoping for much chivalry from the other students on the school bus. Many of the girls had no choice but to stand in the aisle. The seating arrangements betrayed the severity of racial divides: the Chinese sat together, the Latino students sat together, the Black students sat together. It was the same in school, and in society at large—no real boundaries, yet people of different skin colors remained apart. Such was America…

Sumu, meanwhile, was sneaking glances at Kate, who sat beside him. For some reason, she looked rather uncomfortable, her brow slightly furrowed, clutching her backpack on her lap. Perhaps she wasn’t used to riding with the boys on the school bus; she stared at the floor and said nothing.

The other girls on the bus were chatting happily—four in total, all Chinese girls—but none of them spoke to Kate.

Relations among girls were even more complicated, especially at their age. The most popular in school were those with outgoing personalities and pretty faces. Kate had the latter, but not the former. She wasn’t good at socializing, and her beauty made her a target of envy. Over time, she was excluded from the girls’ circles. Most of the time, Sumu saw her alone; occasionally, she would walk to school with another girl, but the two didn’t seem particularly close.

With no uncontroversial topics to discuss and a quiet nature, Kate’s silence didn’t stop droves of boys from liking her. Her seemingly cold demeanor only fascinated them more, perfectly embodying the saying, "What you can’t have is always the most desirable." Many students from other schools came just to see her. Sumu, unfortunately, was one of her admirers too. Because Kate was so popular, he felt more and more certain that nothing would ever happen between them.

As time passed, Sumu’s feelings for Kate became one of the most beautiful things in his life. Whether or not he could have her ceased to matter so much; it became more of a wonderful experience. Just seeing her from time to time made him happy. Now, sitting right beside her, he felt overwhelmed and at a loss.

He longed to say something, but no matter how he racked his brain, he couldn’t find a topic. They’d never really interacted before; all he knew about Kate he had learned over the years in bits and pieces from others. The image he held in his mind was ethereal, but the real Kate sitting next to him was even more enchanting.

Her skin was pale, unlike the easily freckled, rough-skinned British girls. Kate’s complexion was delicate and fair. Her hair was a shade of brownish blonde, more obvious in the sunlight, with a slight wave. Sumu couldn’t help but think that her beautiful profile deserved to be on a magazine cover…

Elsewhere on the bus, the atmosphere was lively, mostly because there would be no school today—perhaps not even tomorrow. As for what had happened at school and why the police were there, these young students didn’t concern themselves. They couldn’t imagine how terrible the situation really was, nor did they have any clear concept of death; it seemed distant from their lives.

On Sumu’s side, he and his secret crush, Kate, had sat in silence ever since she took her seat, the air between them frozen, in stark contrast to the noise elsewhere on the bus.

He had no idea what Kate was thinking, but he was growing increasingly anxious inside—angry at his own cowardice, yet thrilled by the accidental brushes of their bodies when the bus turned. Even a touch of her clothes made him happy. He knew this might be the only chance he’d ever get; once they left the bus, everything would return to the way it was before—just schoolmates, passersby, neighbors living a street apart. Still, after giving himself endless encouragement, he couldn’t quite summon the courage to speak.

Li Ping’an was just as anxious, craning his neck to check on them, muttering, “He’s usually so good at talking to girls—why does he clam up when it’s Kate…”

His expression a mixture of exasperation and helplessness, he caught Sumu glancing back at him, quickly gestured toward Kate’s seat, silently urging Sumu to seize this perfect opportunity he had created.

Bolstered by his friend’s encouragement, Sumu tried to steel himself once more. After several deep breaths, he looked at Kate, only to discover she was looking back at him. His heart nearly leapt out of his chest. People always said it was like a little rabbit thumping inside, but for Sumu, it felt as if a hundred fat rabbits were stampeding through his heart. Good thing he was still young—if someone older’s heart beat this fast, they might not survive it.

Nervous, he heard a sound but didn’t catch what Kate said. He blurted out, “What?”

“Sorry, do you have any coins?” Kate repeated, her voice cool and melodious. She explained, “I want to call my father after we get off. He doesn’t know what happened at school, and I’m worried he’ll be concerned.

He’s at work, and our house is a bit far from a phone booth, so I’d like to call him as soon as I get off the bus. I don’t think there’s anywhere nearby to get change.”

As she spoke, she rummaged through her backpack. When she looked up at Sumu again, he already had a handful of coins—more than ten—grinning foolishly. Kate seemed a bit startled, probably surprised at how quickly he produced the coins, as if he’d been holding them the whole time.

When the girl you like asks you for something, how could you refuse? Sumu wished she’d ask him for change every day. No matter how thrifty he was, now was not the time to be stingy. Even with his low emotional intelligence, he understood this much.

Amused by Sumu’s silly grin, Kate smiled briefly before regaining her usual composure. She nodded and said, “Thank you, that’s perfect. I have a one-dollar bill—let’s exchange.”

“No, no, keep it! If it’s not enough, I have more in my bag!” Sumu finally managed to speak, but his mind was a complete mess.

“...It’s just one phone call.

This is enough. Thank you again for your kindness.”

Kate took two fifty-cent coins from his palm, thinking to herself, What a strange guy.

Sumu, meanwhile, suddenly noticed a bloodstain on Kate’s pale blue jeans, near the top of her thigh. At first, he didn’t understand; then realization dawned, and he awkwardly looked away. At last, he understood why she’d been hugging her backpack so tightly…